Day 40--Love is a Covenant

40 dares...unlimited capacity to love. I'm not going to say that the Love Dare has completely changed my life, but I will admit that I have a profoundly different concept of how love looks. I can experiencially state many different ways that I can choose to show my wife, children, friends, and others my love. I can especially appreciate my wife and love her even on those days when I don't feel close to her. I can chose to remain loyal and committed to my covenant with her. Truly, I've come to understand that there is so much joy in intentionally thinking about her and providing her with acts of love. My relationship is so much more effective when I'm purposeful towards Kendra. What I appreciated abou the love dare is that it gave my a framework on how I could choose to be purposeful during my day to work on my marriage and serve my wife. What is the outcome of all this? Well, I've increased the intimacy and openess with my wife 10 fold, I've created a lasting document stating my intentions to love my wife as long as I live, I've given Kendra some incredible moments of love, and I've created a blog with many thoughts and memories related to a very big goal. I've expanded my ability to love, I've learned to love talking to my wife in a non threatening way, and I've told many people that this experience is certainly worth the time. I've established a clear vision for the kind of husband and father that God wants me to be, enrolled my wife along side in my quest to grow closer to Christ, and have increased my time spent in prayer by myself and with my wife.
The most amazing thing about this whole "Love Dare" is the energy and closeness I now feel with Kendra. Much less resistance, much more personal responsibility regarding my own behaviors and choices. I am an inspiring, bold, compassionate, vulnerable husband with a focused, committed, passionate, fun wife. I truly believe that God has great things in store for Kendra and I and that we will walk daily closer to his will in our lives. I challenge anyone who wants to grow their marriage in a powerful way to complete the "Love Dare" and join me in experiencing love at a whole new level.

Day 39--"Love Endures"

Another fun dare. Yesterday we were asked to write a letter to our spouse regarding committment and resolve towards our marriage. I spent time praying about my relationship with Kendra and then let it pour out onto the page. I chose not to focus on those areas of the relationship that I have struggled in or not lived up to my end of the bargain, but really embraced this idea that everyday is new and I'm creating a #10 relationship from this point forward. I'm resolved to grow our relationship in areas that I haven't touched before...at least not really. Spiritually, Emotionally, Physically. I'm ready to go over the wall with my wife into a place of total submission to God and each other. To be open and honest with her and let her know that I'll love her regardless of the circumstances or events that take place in our lives.
This dare reminded me of a story of a pastor who's wife came down with a serious illness and was bedridden for many years. Instead of becoming bitter, the pastor chose to show his wife love by gentle lifting her daily and applying lotion to her body. He would sit by her and hold her hand, talking with her and showing her love. When his wife lost the ability to talk and control over her functions he still continued to meet her daily and love on her. Finally the wife lost her ability to recognize the man, but he still chose to meet her needs physically and spend time with her. That to me is true love, self-sacrificing love and this is where I desire to be. I'm committing to this as my goal for our marriage. 100% committed to reaching our full potential as a godly couple and creating Win-Win's for those in our life. Our love will endure...our love will fly.

Day 38---"Love fulfills Dreams"

Another great dare. This one focuses on my ability to recognize Kendra's dreams and put an action plan together to reach them. Unlike some of the other dares I see this one as very fun. How well do I know Kendra? Well I can certainly articulate her very biggest dreams. I know that she wants to travel and see the world. I know that she wants to visit USANA's Sanoviv this year. I also know that she is so very passionate about taking her vision of health and freedom to as many people as will listen. She had a dream where I would join her in that pursuit, one that I refused to complete until very recently. She looked at me two nights ago and told me that her dream for USANA has come true....her and I working together for a common goal and helping those around us in big ways. No resistence from me, no underlying desire to have her time all to myself. Yes, I've been able to assist her in her dream to reach Gold and she has shown such gratefulness towards me that I'm dreaming of her going Diamond and above. In the personal realm my wife has dreamed of taking a trip with her sisters to the East Coast. This is one dream that I'm going to step into an action plan and tell her to finalize the dates and purchase tickets. I'll lovingly let her know that I will take the kids and have a great time while she is away. Not only that I will commit to planning a December visit to Sanoviv with Kendra. She longs for this trip and wants so desperately to know what is causing her some of her ailments. I want it for her and we've talked so much about it, now I want to put it on the schedule and go along with her for the ride. We both have dreams of hosting Klemmer events and staffing all the various seminars. My wife really wants our children to complete "playful mastery" and I'm committed to this goal as well.
I can say that I have listened more to my wife and her dreams since June of 08 than all our 9 years in marriage before that. I get her passion and she is irresistable when her core beliefs about health and peoples ability to make good choices come together. I'm no longer interested in only completing my desires in life, but I get that when I help her create her dreams I'm completing mine as well. I want her to be joyful and experience true purpose. I'm feeling her wins and wanting her to grow even stronger and go higher. I've changed my perspective to fully embrace how powerful a person she is and I love her dearly. I'm in tears right now thinking about her...what a blessed person I am. I love you Kendra. Dream Big and Play Big.

Day 37---Love agrees in Prayer

Here's another dare that almost seems like going back a few weeks. Yesterday's dare was to set up a prayer time with my wife weekly and then discuss with her how this could impact our relationship. I didn't sit down with Kendra to talk about this dare as we have already established a prayer time and I have been committed to having us pray on Wed and Fri mornings together. I've also been praying before bed, almost always as a couple since rarely do we not go to bed at the same time. Last night was one of those nights that I was tired, so I went to bed before her. My experience of praying together only confirms my desire to want to complete it more. In the past I've been resistant to prayer together, mostly due to the fact that it can be a very vulnerable and raw time before the Lord. Since I've been taking on an attitude of compassion and vulnerability it has not been hard for me to initiate prayer time together. Every single time we pray together I leave feeling closer to Kendra. It is such a great way to know and share what burdens are on our heart and also what desires we have to serve the Lord. It enables us to better meet each others needs and I'm constantly thinking about the prayer requests on days when we pray in the morning. As a matter of fact, we will frequently ask each other how meetings or conversations with others went since we've talked about them. My overall perception of prayer time is that it is a necessary element to a 10 relationship. For Kendra and I to promote oneness and be as close to each other as possible setting and keeping a prayer time is essential. I'm thankful that one of the methods I can use when I'm in the 3 R's with Kendra is prayer. Taking time to give our disagreements over to the Lord and really focusing on Kendra as a person and not an object allows me to get in a space to show her love again. Powerful stuff, prayer.

Day 36--Develop a prayer routine

So the challenge for yesterday was to develop a prayer routine that works for me. Daily, habitual, specific and focused reading time that will help provide some focus for my life. I do believe the the bible is a living book, more than just words on a page it can literally speak into your life with words of affirmation or rebuke. I've realized through this process of "love daring" that those dares that have involved prayer have been very powerful. One of my main struggles through the years as a Christian has been steady Bible reading. I will go periods of time in the word, but then allow myself to wonder away from this time. I've also had the happen in my accoutability partnerships, with my children, and with my Sunday School teaching opportunities. What I liked about yesterday reading is that it focused on the idea of submission. Total submission to really look at what God's word has to say about marriage, finances, love, child raising, ect... I don't have to go it alone. What I'd like to see is a Chad that loves to get up in the morning and spend time reading the Word, then takes that reading and moves it into the decisions/choices I make that day. I'm worthy of having an exceptional relationship with my creator and having a number 10 relationship with my wife. I will commit to planning a time weekly that Kendra and I can focus on reading the Bible together and then briefly discussing how it relates to our lives. We have several formatted couples devotionals that I could use, but the biggest part is just moving forward into setting a time and place. I know that when we make this a daily routine for each of us, our marriage will blossom.

Day 35--Mentoring

Today's challenge is to think about and find a mentor couple to help assist my marriage. After talking with Kendra, I believe that stepping into this relationship with my father in law would be great. He is a very Godly man who has lots of experience in counseling but more importantly has my respect. I called him but he was at work, so I will directly ask him if we can establish an open relationship regarding struggles and strengths I'm having in my relationship. What I'd like to learn from him is how I can be a stronger spiritual leader in the household and really establish healthy prayer patterns with Kendra. He and his wife have a vibrant relationship based on Godly, Biblical principles and I know that I will benefit from spending time with him.
While the majority of today's reading was focused on relationships that are near the end or really struggling, it is a reminder that all relationships, including mine need to be nurtured. I've not resisted counseling in our relationship before and I won't in the future either. I'm more committed to having a #10 relationship than I am "looking" good, so I don't believe I will have any stigma regarding this dare. Lord please bless me in this pursuit and may my efforts be blessed by you as this relationship (between myself and my father-in-law) in grown and pursued.

Day 34--Christian Character

I got to admonish my wife for being herself. Today's dare was to notice when she was displaying Christian character and let her know. I noticed her being extremely kind and caring and let her know. I shared with her my experience that she has been so effective this week as a wife and leader. I've noticed that with our children she is being gentle and patient, all of which are virtues that I think greatly reflect Christ. She's been such a rock for me lately. As a matter of fact, she's been "golden." Ha. Truly I didn't have to take long to notice her displaying Christ like tenderness towards others and it makes it very easy to complete the love dare. She is so worthy of my love. Of the two of us, she displays Christian character in so many ways. One notice I had about myself this day was making the choice to stand in my greatness and acknowledge her for her greatness. Sharing with her my experience of her brought a smile to her face and it allowed (created) space for her to shine all day. Like a broken record, I'm so thankful for Kendra and find myself lost some days in her ability to share with the world her love for Christ. Her authenticity and spirit for life provide me with a rich context to want to grow closer to God. Yee-haw. I love you Kendra Rae and will gladly stand next to you for years to come.

Day 33--Recognition

Yeah, great stuff. Today's dare revolved around me recognizing that Kendra is an essential part of my life and that we have decisions that should be made together. No more island mentality. It asked for specific areas that I could let her give input into my decisions. I can think of several areas, such as tactics we use to discipline our children, what I'm going to do for work after I get down with my current job, how we are going to grow our USANA business, what types of events would be beneficial for me to have for our church men's ministry. In the past I might have made these decisions without focusing on Kendra's input. Now I can admit that it "feels" better when I talk with her about options. No where is this more apparent than with her business. As I've stepped into working with USANA I've realized that I'm the one who doesn't have experience. I'm the one who thinks I know things but really doesn't have a plan to make things work. So I'll chose to get her input and use it to make my plans. Even tonight we had a discussion about this subject and I was able to get clear with her on what my plans were. She didn't fully agree with them and we were able to come to a common agreement. Not difficult, no arguing, no fighting, just Chad admitting that I don't have all the answers and giving Kendra credit for being very good at what she does. Since I have ingnored her input in the past, I apologized for making her feel less than honored. I've resolved to give her full access to my plans and to please ask me to clarify my intentions when I declare that I have plans. It's a powerful place to come from when I recognize how impressive my wife is, how loving, how graceful, how womanly, how honest, how virtuous, how respectful, how selfless. Only a woman who truly loves her Lord would have a list of qualities like this. Thank you Kendra for making God a priority in your life and giving him the keys to your heart. You Rock!

Day 32--Sexual Needs

Hmmm...let me first say that I loved yesterday. Was able to relate with Kendra in a relaxed way with no need to rush. Having the option to have someone take our kids for awhile has been a true blessing. I've been told often by Kendra that she wishes the Chad who shows up in bed would show up everywhere. Something about the act of sex really brings out my tender side and truly its all about her. I'm not satisfied unless she's satisfied. I look forward to creating the intimacy through sex because it is a tangible way that I can meet her needs. I do enjoy the high myself, but I'm disappointed when I don't satisfy her. Yesterday it was about meeting her needs and desires. I was able to initiate sex with her at a time that usually doesn't work for us. We were able to take our time, enjoy each others presence, create an atmosphere of safety and love. I asked her specifically what her needs were in the area of sex and we confirmed our preferences and likes. I already know quite a bit about how her body works and she mine. As a matter of fact, we have tried in the past a 30 day sex challenge. We made it 9 days. That was an interesting experience. Kendra and I have a very open relationship and I can admit when I have sexual desires and she can do likewise. It doesn't mean we'll always get what we want, but we are free to let ourselves be known. This hasn't always been the case, but I truly love the kind of communication we have foster in our relationship. And I truly love making love to my wife. What a great combo. I've decided that I will complete love dare 32 whenever possible....as long as it is focused on creating intimacy in our relationship or just plain having fun! Thank you God for the creation of the sexual act. For me it is a great way to relate to Kendra how much I love her and how I long to fulfill her needs.

Day 31--"Love and Marriage"

Didn't have a lot of feeling around today's dare. Not so much because of the topic...I am very interested in love and marriage, but due to the fact that Kendra and I don't have any "leaving" issues in our marriage. We've long ago established that we have created our own relationship free from the negative influences of our families. Now, I also understand that we have embraced many of the positive factors that we noticed in both of our parents marriages. I will say that I have loved getting to know Kendra's family and really studying how they established their relationship based on God's principles. As Kendra and I have talked about this issue, I've come to realize that this was an opportunity for growth for me. In the beginning I was always comparing my relationship with Kendra to the "Godly" example provided by her parents. Soon I learned that I did not need to compare, but as the apostle Paul says, I needed to follow their lead. I asked questions, had detailed conversations with her dad about spiritual leadership and how he provided guidance for his family. It was a great shift in me when I realized that God had placed me in this family for a reason and that I will continue to grow in Christ as I take on more of the attributes of Christ. I will admit that it took Kendra and I some time to sort out all the baggage I had from my home experience. It was night and day different from hers. I was not raised in a Christian household and my parents marriage was stable, but not necessarily Godly. I love them dearly and they have given so much to Kendra and I, but I was eager to leave their household. I've had to really look at the principles that they (my parents) had in their marriage and discuss these with Kendra. We've got a common agreement that we need to base our relationship on biblical principles (especially Eph. 5) and then work to create an atmosphere in our home that fosters love and holiness. All in all, I've learned that I am eager to continue to grow our relationship with each other and look forward to the positive impact our lives will have on our family and those around us.

Day 30--Promoting Oneness

Today’s dare focused on the need to pray and look for one area of division within our marriage. I’ve found an area that has affected our oneness….parenting. Ironic as it may sound, we still have days when we are not on the same page. My style of discipline does not lend itself to her style. At times we are at odds with our style and it has caused division in our marriage. In the heat of the discipline, if I take control and try to force my style onto my children, it hurts my wife. I can see it in her eyes when I’m less than compassionate and simply want my children to obey out of respect for me…not because in their hearts it pleases God. I’ve exchanged the temporary desire to have them change their behaviors for the long term change in their hearts. Often times I get what I desire, but the cost is hardening of my children’s hearts and a distance between Kendra and I. I’ve acknowledged this issue with Kendra and we are in the process of developing some strategies to help me when I enter this “Obey Dad at all Cost” mentality. We are going to work on some rules similar to our fair fight rules within our own marriage. When I get to the place where I am only interested in “getting my way” I’ve given Kendra permission to gentle place her hand on my shoulder and ask me to take a break. I have denied this request in the past, but no longer. I will take a walk to a neutral area of the house or wherever we are to gather myself and get “ground and center.” Then I will allow my wife to take the lead with the children and we (Kendra and I) will debrief the situation after it is over. This needs to happen before we go to bed that evening. I’m hoping that this intervention will assist us to become closer as we debrief each situation and allow us to grow in oneness as we affirm our desires to parent together.

Day 29---Love's Motivation

A quote from today's reading "The love between a husband and wife should have one chief objective: honoring the Lord with devotion and sincerity." Today's dare was to pray for Kendra in a specific way and then thank God for giving me priviledge of loving one special person...unconditionally. Seems to me this dare is very similiar to several other dares. Not that I'm getting tired of loving daring, but I wasn't feeling this one like I did when I was completing them the first time. I do understand that my motivation for love is so much stronger when I connect to God's love for me. I also understand that there are times when I don't feel like loving Kendra. My emotions and moods are not in a place where I'm drawn to be with her or show her tangible acts of love. So, what do I do on these days? Presently I would choose to spend more time by myself away from her. I would find some task to complete...sortof like journaling for the love dare. This morning is not going well as I'm not in the best space to be meeting the needs of my wife and children. I'm stuck far away from my motivating space where love originates...Christ's love. So, I'm leaving this now and will finish after I've gotten my heart prepared to be honest and show love again.Post Break: Alright, its been 14 hrs since my initial blog, and now I can say with some time spent at church, giving of myself to others, I've been able to right the ship and really enjoy loving Kendra. We went shopping for jeans today as our date and I just savored the opportunity to be with her. No other distractions, just us. We had a good talk about my desire for her to be a little more playful in our relationship and what that means to me. I think I've been struggling lately because she has been sick and feeling quite crappy. I've been supportive and giving her lots of physical touch and affection, but I love it when she gives a little spunky love back to me. Just a notice and she says that she will commit to working on this. As for me, I'm going to chose to love her in a way that is meaningful to her. So for this week she'll be getting massage everynight for 5 nights. Kind of like a little Gold celebration. She'll love it.

Day 28--Lifting Needs

Today's dare is to life a need from my wife's shoulder. Well, as our conversation revolved around me being kind to her, I'd say her biggest need right now is for her husband to show up as kind...always. Also I've taken a big load off her shoulders this week by agreeing to help her tangibly in her business pursuit. I've agreed to lift the burden of having to create a certain amount of business and this has freed her up to talk with other individuals and for us to create more synergy in our efforts. One of the questions from the reading is how much of my wife's stress is caused by my lack of concern or initiative? Fair question. I'd say a great percentage of her stress is caused by my beingness in her life. I think she would agree that when I'm "on" then life is much easier for her. When I'm struggling, then her jobs in her life take on more weight. I'm not sure this is unique to our marriage, as all relationships have ebbs and flows. What I can say is that those dares that have revolved around prayer times together have yielded lasting fruit. Those times when we have come together to focus our efforts on God's blessing in our lives have led to days when things were "on." When I initiate dates, or acts of kindness, or random acts of physical affection then her world is filled with less stress. So, when I choose to take the focus off of me and put it onto her, life goes more smoothly and the by products of those actions is love. True love. Love that doesn't have any strings attached to it. I've made the chose to support her in her pursuits, but have I done it with a pure heart? Yes! I want to support her for she is worthy and deserving of my love. Seeing her smile, laugh, rejoice in her success has taken on a new meaning for me. I'd much rather see her joyful right now then to be "right" about my thoughts. I want for her so much right now to step into her greatness that I can taste it. It tastes great.
Thanks God for allowing me to take this ride with my wife. Thanks for blessing me with the wisdom to see her for her strengths, agree to a lasting committment with her, and be willing and yearning to grow our relationship closer to you. May my actions toward her reflect your love for us and may I never forget that putting others first will always create a space for love.

Day 27--Bye Bye Expectations

Ironic that this dare revolves around something I've been doing in my professional life right now, just letting go of expectations and being in the moment. I've struggled with this as it seems I always have a motive or desire from every conversation that I have. Nowhere is this more obvious than at home. Today I was to release Kendra from the unreal expectations that I have regarding "how it should be" and what I desire from her. Immediately I thought of my expectations that she should have a meal planned for every evening and that my expectation is that it will be prepared after I get home from work. This has caused much strife in our family and I know that I have hurt her in my attitude towards this act of love that she does for us. I've repeatedly let her know that it is her responsibility to have food for our family and when my expectation isn't met, I let her know. 90% of the time this is in a fashion that doesn't speak truth in love. Almost always it makes her feel ashamed and me feel justified. So, I'm committing to release her from this expectation and to partner with her to create a meal plan that will benefit our family and create an atmosphere of love around dinner time. Seeking her out to let her know this was a great conversation as she acknowledged that this is an area of struggle for her. More than anything she wants to know that I will treat her respectfully and with love as I speak with her regarding any misunderstanding in our relationship. Yes, I admit that I'm not perfect in this area and it is great opportunity for me to step into a compassionate attitude and heart. Communication, communication, communication...it's the foundation to a great relationship and a healthy marriage. Kendra, I love you and will speak kindly as I state my desires and expectations, being open and honest regarding our differences of opinion and seeking to resolve conflict with truth in love.

Day 26--Part 2

Great experience last night. Not as powerful as the honesty session I had with Kendra when we were visiting during Advanced Leadership Class for Klemmer. I think at that time I had more going on and hadn’t yet verbalized the need to take personal responsibility for my actions. Last night I was able to get clear with Kendra regarding my lack of communication in the relationship and also clarify my intention to become the man I want to be…inspiring, bold, compassionate, and vulnerable. With our children I was able to ask for forgiveness in how I discipline them. Often times I don’t use my words as I should and then I act impulsively to get them to comply to my demands. This doesn’t foster the kind of home environment that we desire. This concept of personal responsibility to a very powerful one and I’m committed to implementing it on a big level in our household. As with many concepts, taking it from idea to implementation needs to start with me.

Day 26--Opening Up

Today resonated with my soul. Today is about personal responsibility. Today is about getting "clear" with Kendra and sharing with her my wrongdoings. After humbly praying over them with God, I'm off to share them with Kendra. I'll ask her forgiveness for all those times I came up short on my agreements, for the time I left her holding the mess with our kids, for taking money, for spending foolishly, for lying and pretending to be more than I truly am. This my friends will be a great night as I get clear once again with my committment to my wife, with my committment to being personally responsible for my actions. Lord, help me once again to get clear with Kendra and give my the strength and words to show her my vulnerable side. She deserves the best of me just as you do.

Day 25--Forgiveness

Great reading to go along with today's dare. Forgiveness is essential in fostering a healthy marriage and I couldn't agree more. I tend to forgive easily, although my process for getting to forgiveness almost always involves anger. Kendra on the other hand needs time to process wrongs that have been done to her and then she can come to a place of forgiveness. What I found to be interesting is how long it took me to settle on things I haven't forgiven Kendra for. I can think of stories from our past where she will still bring up events that happened and I can hear in her voice the pain I caused. I can't think of those for myself. I don't recall any super sins or great pains that Kendra has caused me from her actions. Most of the thoughts that have settled in my head are petty things that annoy me. Her sense of justice that drives her to make irrational thoughts, her over emotional states that I chose to react to with harshness. From the depths of my heart I cannot honestly think of areas I haven't forgiven her for. So I will chose in this moment to declare that I will forgive you Kendra for any offense that may come my way in the future. Like the Bible says in 1 Corinthians 13, I will chose to keep no records of wrongs done by you. I will focus my energies and beliefs on this singular thought when I feel pain be decisions made toward me..."I love her and she is human, like me she will fail to show me love at all times, but I will love her through it."
I can say that releasing past sins to God does provide an immense sense of relief. It has been essential when raising the children. Much like marriage, when I chose to focus on their needs in the moment and not mine, my decisions are so much more loving.

Day 24--Bye Bye Lust

Today's dare, name the lust I have in my life and send it far, far away. Lust, not an easy topic. For sure I could talk of times that I was in lustful relationships, but not since I've entered my marriage. In my moments alone pondering this dare I've landed on my lust for money. Not that I love material possessions. It's more like my lust when I go gambling. Now I could have rightly called this my addiction, but in reality I've prayed and asked God to take this desire from me and I've truly not had the lustful desire for gambling in over two years. As a matter of fact I've been able to limit my playing and also learn to have fun when I play with my friends. How has this affected my wife? Well for periods in our relationship I've not been honest and it has revolved around my desire to maintain my habits from my youth. What it has cost me is a level of trust with my wife and a lack of intimacy. I do realize that I must name those areas in my life that are stumbling blocks and find ways to openly and honestly bring them before my wife. I love her enough to be real with her and much like God's desire to know our inner most parts trust that Kendra will continue to love me even when I share my struggles. This has been a major point of loss in my marriage. Only recently have I been open about several areas of struggle, but the payoff from bringing them to light has been so powerful.

Day 23--Goodbye addictions

Today's dare is to remove anything that is hindering my relationship, any addiction or influcence that's stealing my affections and turning my heart away from my spouse. What better way to determine this than to ask her. Based on my conversation with Kendra we agreed that my "addiction" right now is trying for a "life of ease." While this may not be a classic addiction, it has been my idol for years and years. If I perceive something to be "work" or challenging, I run from it and avoid it. What this has meant to my relationship with Kendra is that I avoided assisting her in her business for 4 years, I avoided taking leadership steps in my church and growing as a spiritual leader because it was "work." I can say with certainty that I have gotten rid of my addiction to video games, gambling, and watching copious amounts of t.v. I was able to do this because I fervently prayed to God to help take those desires away from my heart and replace them with other pursuits. Right now, I'm committed to moving forward in many areas of my life and since I've made those committments, I've given up my focus on a life of ease and instead chosen to view my goals as essential. If they are essential then I want to complete them. With this mindset, I've grown closer to Kendra and learned to rely on her for advice and strength. We are truly a team moving forward to complete what we believe is our mission on earth. This focus has allowed from much greater growth in a very short time. I'm so thankful that God has answered my prayers and filled my heart with a longing to grow closer to Him and Kendra.
Father in heaven, continue to take those "idols" of my heart that take my away from my desire to serve you and move me farther from my wife. Replace my hardened heart with love and let me clearly see those areas where I have shortcomings. When I'm tempted to go into my shell, to run for comfort, place in my mind those things which I desire more than comfort.

Day 22

Today's dare was to tell Kendra that I love her unconditionally. No matter how she responds to me and regardless of the circumstances I'll chose to love her. Honestly I don't feel this dare is difficult. Where I'm at right now is a place where I value her so much that I truly do love her even when I'm being a butt. Most often I'm moody and not interested in meeting her needs, so I still love her but don' t choose to show it. She feels this as indifference to her plight, but for me its a selfish act. I'd love to love her more wholly and will choose to show her this love when I get discouraged or frustrated. One way I can do this is to choose kind words instead of getting angery or saying things that only hurt her. My mind tells me that I should be aware of the negativity that comes out, but my actions tell me to go forth quickly. Having the strength to admit that I'm in the wrong and letting myself be allowed to let Kendra see my weak will be a great way to express my love to her. Instead of making things difficult and pulling away from her I can chose in the moment to show her love by hugging her and showing her affection. That way she will understand that I chose to love her unconditionally by my actions and by my words.

Day 21--Reading and Praying

Today's dare was a request to spend time reading a portion of scripture and then spending time praying. As I've said before, this is a great activity and one that can put my mind in the right frame of mind. I read out of Matthew 5, the sermon on the mount. We are studying this passage at church and it has tons of great information. What I noticed this morning is that it really focuses on our attitude while here on earth. Humbleness, meekness, gentleness, being poor in spirit, merciful, peacemakers, mourners, and having a pure heart are all commended. So I spent the day truly looking at these qualities in my life and praying that God would work on "Mr. Cool." My camp act from Sam Camp has followed me around all my life and I'm ready to put him to sleep. As I step into more compassion and vulnerability what I'm really saying is I'm ready to step into authentic Chadness. No longer do I have a need to project an image into the world that says I've got it all together. My notice about myself is that when I come from a place of authenticity (truth in love) I'm so much more powerful than when I put on my act. As this relates to Kendra, I'm much more giving and loving when I take on the loving characteristics described in the passage in Matthew. Just as I've grown in my inspiring, boldness, compassion and vulnerability to claiming them in my life, so shall I take on these biblical qualities as I seek more time with Christ.
Even though I fail at times to embrace love in all things, I know that choosing love is a much more effective way to parent and show up in my marriage.

Day 20

The dare for today was to really look at where my relationship with God is. If I haven't received Christ to look at doing so and if I have then to recommit to focusing on what that really means. Since I've accepted Christ already...16 years ago, I'm choosing to focus on what that means for my relationships now. Similiar to my journal entry several days ago, I acknowledge that when my relationship with Christ is in focus, my marriage and all other relationships are in focus. I'd like to focus more on the prayer aspect of my relationships. For the past three weeks Kendra and I have been exchanging prayer requests and spending time praying together in the mornings. I've noticed that this has led to me praying in bed before we go to sleep. Since we are both spending our time on common goals its easy to bring our thanks each night to God for the positives we've had. We also lay down our burdens and commit to serving others with our priorities. How many Win-Win situations can we create on our way to meeting our goals? The level of intimacy has definantly increased in our relationship and I can directly connect my continued time spent in prayer and reading the Bible to the increase.
When I am focused and in the moment great things occur. When I am distracted and thinking about things outside the moment then my level of intimacy with others declines rapidly.

Day 18--Dinner!

Had a great time tonight making a meal WITH my wife. Not for her, but with her. We decided to focus on spending our time talking while we helped each other prepare a meal we both love…fried rice. It was a great time, we talked openly about our relationship, our current situation in life and some strategies on overcoming perceived obstacles in our life. I believe this is the kind of thing I’ve been asking my wife for…something we can both focus on and still be connecting and talking. I’ve learned that I get a little weird when I hear her ask me to “talk” about subjects. I’m resistant to those nights when I feel all we are going to do is connect with one another and I envision myself sitting across from her staring in her eyes and talking for hours. In fairness to Kendra this is never the case. I’ve created this meaning around her desire to have the intimate conversations. But I did notice that I tend to open up more effectively when I’m focused on completing a task as well as having a discussion.
Some of the moments that made tonight special revolve around Kendra and I being with each other completely. The kids were downstairs and we had the time to really be intimate in our conversation. No pressure or feeling we needed to hurry the experience, only time to be alone. And it happened in our home where we feel comfortable and enjoy being. It was a great night.

Day 19--My Position in Christ

Chose to complete 19 first, as dare 18 is a dinner and Kendra was not available today. So, this dare is to get real with my position toward eternity and to review all previous dares. 1st, let me say that I love Kendra wholly, but not holy. I cannot claim to understand what Christ did when he died on the cross, but I do understand that I need him and his gift for my salvation. I do believe that he died for my individual sins and that his blood and sacrifice has cleansed me before God. I also know that when I focus my efforts and being closer to God, spending time in prayer and meditation, that my relationships bare lots of fruit. I'm still amazed at the results from the dare when I prayed for Kendra's needs and desires and the closeness that I felt to her that day. It was much easier to overlook the minor offenses knowing her major desires. So the more time I spend getting myself "right" with God, the better my relationship with Kendra and my family. This isn't a wishy-washy desire, but a proven fact. Everytime I try it with an open heart and selfless head I heed results. Thankyou Christ for your sacrifice and helping me to learn to grow in love towards others. Your example of sacrifice for those who do not desire it is truly inspiring.
I am appreciating that each dare has differing aspects of the same underlying theme, selflessness. I don't feel as if any of the previous dares have been impossible. I do feel that certain days I've been lost in my focus and not brought myself to truly serve her. Tonight I have the opportunity to serve her dinner and create a special atomosphere which I am looking forward to.

Day 17--Providing Safety

Today's dare was to create an atmosphere of safety for my wife and I to disclose personal thoughts ad struggles. I'll admit that their are times in our relationship that I do not make an effort for her to feel safe. When I get into my "shark after blood" space, nothing she says is safe. This atmosphere creates less intimacy. If the goal in our relationship is to create intimacy, then I need to provide time and create a space that is inviting for conversation. I stepped up last week and initiated a date night, which is a start. I've started meeting with her in the mornings for prayer, which is great. But the piece I'm missing are those days when she's weak (tired, frustrated, overwhelmed) and I use words that are hurtful. She looks at me with those eyes that scream WHY? All she desires during those times is to have shelter and love. She desires a husband who will walk along side her and lift up her weary heart. I experienced a bit of this on Friday night of this week and what a difference it makes. When I chose to relate with her on an emotional level, to listen and accept her feedback without judgment and then give her physical affirmation, she glows.
My notice regarding myself is to daily agree to uplift her and not use words or tones that make her feel less than she truly is.

Day 16--Prayer

I had the priviledge of praying specifically for my wife throughout the day today. What a refresher. Normally I don't spend time in prayer and almost never do I take time to pray for my wife's needs. We have been doing much more specific prayer times together for the last two weeks and this has been a great pattern to establish. I picked three specific areas to pray for and as my day unfolded I was able to think about her much more often and be intentional regarding my thoughts. When I was driving from place to place I would spend time praying for her needs and wants. It prompted me to want to call her and check in. She is in a very challenging period in her business and I'm committed to assisting her. I now realize that my committment through prayer is just as important. It opened my heart to better feel her struggles and desire for God to help her to reach her goals. I also prayed specifically for our marriage and "oneness." We had a teaching a couple of weeks ago at church that talked about "oneness." I've felt periods in our marriage when we were moving as one, but more often I've felt like two of us moving horizontally to each other. We've had the same goals, but not worked in unison to complete them. My experience yesterday confirms my belief that putting God in the center of our marriage is an essential way to promote oneness in our marriage. I want more oneness. Thank you God for allowing me to be in a committed, loving, giving, open, honest, and rewarding relationship. Thank you God for giving me a heart of surrender and service to my wife. Continue to use our marriage as a testimony to others and may we (Ken and I) never forget that you desire us to be as one.

Day 15--Cherish the Love

I completed a simple act for Kendra today, but one that spoke volumes. I took on some of the domestic tasks and completed them so she could have time to focus on her business goals. I also had a supportive attitude when she left to go and give a presentation. In the past I've said I would support her being gone but would then undermine that choice by not giving all my love to the kids or withholding love from her when she got home. Not so today. I'm supporting her 100% and allowing her to have the needed time tom complete her vision. I simply chose to believe that she was worthy of her time. She is worthy of growing her business and being a great mother and wife. I do cherish her now more than ever. The greatness I see in her is her giving spirit. Not only is she rocking her goals, she's more present with me than ever before. She's challenging me to bring my "A" game and doing it out of love. I want to bring more to her because she's bringing more to me. Funny how love works...give it away and always more comes in return.

Day 14--Purposeful Time

Spent tonight going on a date with Kendra that I set up and initiated. No kids, just us and a nice dinner. We also had a chance to get on the same page regarding our week and how each of us is appearing. I'm sensing that I'm tired and worn down. She seems overwhelmed and under appreciated. I've tried today to show her that I love her and am proud of the work she is doing. I was short with the kids tonight before bed and I know that this effects Kendra. It is hard for her to watch as I draw firm lines around what happens before bed. She begs for us to show the boys love and give into their needs to have prayer time. I'm a man on a mission and want to give them their time and then move into our time. In the end I felt great spending some alone time with Kendra and getting on the same page, but I still have work to do when I feel myself getting tired at night. She desires and deserves the best of me. We've talked about our late night needs and I truly felt like going to bed at 8 tonight. It's nights like these that I don't love that I get up at 5:30am.
So, I purposely skipped our regular routine on Wed. nights and chose to cook dinner for the boys and set up a date night. I can tell it meant alot to Kendra.

Day 14....a failure

Alright, I fell flat on my face with this dare today. I had the perfect chance to neglect something that I wanted to complete and just spend time with Kendra. Instead I choose to complete a task around the house and ignore her requests for assistance. She was helping a fellow associate begin her website and I was to help. I gave them the minimal amount of help necessary and then went back to the work I was doing. After the associate left my wife disclosed to me that I was truly not helpful and she would rather I not have helped at all.
Amazing...the simple truth was right in front of me and I could have easily stepped into something great, but I chose to stay focused on what I wanted. The whole point of the love dare is to really focus on my wife and our relationship, yet I ignored her request. What's up Chad? Am I serious about this or not...
Now I don't want to be too hard on myself so I'm going to complete this dare again tomorrow.

Day 13--Fight Fair

Well, It took me two days to get to the conversation with Kendra for this day's dare. I was to establish rules around our arguing (fighting) that would be fair and provide boundaries to make our communication with each other safe. Ken and I have done something similiar to this in the past, but it is a vivid reminder that we change. I'm going to list the rules that Kendra and I agreed upon for fair fighting

1. Each of us has an opportunity to share our thoughts without the other person sharing...we get to practice active listening.

2. We end our disagreements with a compromise or agreement.

3. We each only use "I" statements when talking

4. No put downs or name calling and no bringing in past incidents...focus on the now.

5. Stick to perceptions and our experience of each other. We are not allowed to throw accusations at each other.

6. No fighting in front of the kids, we are to remain civil and use the code word "parlay" to signal that a fair fight is called for.

7. Use gentle voices and maintain eye contact during our "fair fight"

8. Failure is not an option, whatever it takes to move through the fight is what we will do.

Both Kendra and I have agreed to these rules and I believe if we obide by them that our arguments will be much less heated and more productive. We even had a chance to role play this today and I enjoyed it...relectantly. I can say with certainty that the work I'm putting into the love dare will pay off, now and way into the future.

Day 12

My dare for today was to willingly choose to give in to an area of disagreement between myself and Kendra. For a majority of the day this wasn't an issue. We made it through the morning and afternoon without a disagreement, but right before our children were to go back to church for the evening service it happened. Kendra, David (Kendra's brother) and I were standing in the kitchen discussing his car. He wanted to sell it for a certain price and had several individuals talk to him about it. He and I had already talked and had an agreement on price. Kendra then gave her opinion regarding the situation and did not receive the feedback she desired. I shook my head at Dave to indicate I didn't agree with Kendra's thoughts. Then as we drove to church it came out. Kendra felt ganged up on and didn't feel valued due to the way Dave and I had not listened to her idea. At first I honestly felt she was being petty and emotional. Then my anger aroused and I felt like "telling her how it is." But I managed to change my thinking and acknowledge that she was not valued as she should have been. Instead of responding in my typical fashion (Shark out for blood) I decided to agree with her assessment of the situation and act on it. I went home and told Dave how Kendra was feeling. I was able to get clear concerning the way that Dave and I communicate and how we could support Kendra in a more loving way.
I will say that I learned that I am capable of being genuine and honest in love and when I go to that place it brings a feeling of love with it. Kendra and I avoided a deep argument due to the fact that I took a moment to value her ideas and show her that value.

Day 11

Today's focus was on cherishing my mate. The dare was written in such a way that I was to complete some act out of a desire to show her that I cherish her. I must admit that I planning on "doing" something special for her. In the end I intentionally played with the boys for 45 minutes so she could dose off and take a nap. At other times I might have chided her for not having the energy to be with our family and provide structure to the day. Instead of doing that I empathized with her and the lack of sleep she had the night before. Braeden had a sleepless night and her offering to me was to get up with him and nurse him through. She was up from 11pm to 1:30am and I could tell this had a profound impact on her. So, while I didn't complete an elaborate offering for her, I was able to meet a need of hers and also my boys. They love it when we wrestle and play tag and my wife loved being able to rest without responsibility.
My takeaway from today's reading is that I can cherish Kendra simply by allowing myself to listen to her needs and then act on them. Instead of dictating how my love needs to be given, I can allow her to receive from me the love she needs. When I give to her in ways that meet her physical needs then she responds likewise. She gave me a back and neck rub before bed and I enjoyed the fruits of my gift to her. Boy how love is reciprocal.

Day 10--Extra Ordinary

What a day. I learned that being intentional regarding my affection for Kendra creates exceptional results. The dare for today was to do something out of the ordinary for Kendra. So, I choose to do something she loves and complete it in a new way. I went to the store and got some exotic lotion and I gave her a massage. Not just a normal massage, but a full body massage with atmosphere! Low lights, music, and just us. It was grand. I didn't even consider it to be work. Normally I don't like taking the time and effort to give massages. Since I don't really desire to get them I don't really desire to give them. But tonight was all about Kendra.
As for the reading, I do need to work on giving love and being content to not receive any in return. I do struggle when my love is returned empty. I have based my love to her in the past on our committment to each other, but I have certainly based it on her behavior as well. If she and I are in a good space then she gets a bigger share of my love. When she and I are on seperate pages their are times when I leave her out of my life all together. Not a great way to let her know that I love her. My notice of this dare is that I can take any event or circumstance in my life and make it special for her. Same with the kids. I can take a mundane task and create an atmosphere of joy and love by being in the moment and completing it with a ground and center spirit.
On to day 11.

Day 9--A new greeting

Some days resonate more than others, this one not so much. I did complete the dare which was to make one of my greetings today memorable and meaningful. I choose to complete it by remembering that my first attempt to leave by kissing her wasn't authentic. I then stole a moment to get a "real" kiss. Our three boys witnessed this event and I think it is great to get them views into our relationship. Often times they get to see our negative side, when we fight or argue, but tenderness speaks volumes as well. It was a good reminder that if I'm truly excited to see her when I get home, then why not show it! I can take this into my life by focusing time and energy into showing people that I am genuinely interested in seeing them and caring for them. What a grand way to show my compassion towards others.

Day 8--Jealousy

I got to play with fire this morning...and it was fun. I burned my negative list from yesterday...not difficult. I'm not sure it was as freeing as it could have been, as Kendra walked in as I was burning it. I did get the chance to explain to her what I was doing and the symbolic nature of burning the list. We then had a great morning of discussion around my longing for her to grow her business. This is such a turnaround from even 9 months ago. Even I'm amazed at how easily I've grown to admire her for her work ethic and diligence to move forward into her greatness. I've never been jealous of her...well I was jealous that she was staying home and now working. I think I had this idea that her life was all roses and freedom, but that was quickly dispelled when I got the opportunity to stay home and be with the kids. Funny how my preception was so vastly off base.
I'm supposed to journal on positive experiences I can celebrate in Kendra's life. Well, as one member who is following my blog has mentioned she would like to see the sensitive side of Chad, I'll expound on one experience. Let's look at how she is able to handle our children with grace and love. While I want to be hard nosed and have them "pay" for their choices out of control, she is able to enroll them in seeing how their choices affect others and themselves. She can literally change the mood of our house with one small statement or gentle look into my kids eyes...it's crazy. I get that same sense from her when I allow myself to live in my heart and not in my head. I am able to experience her at a level that brings my inner peace and helps me to relax and focus. She can bring me back to sensibility when I've wondered into spaz land. My positive experiences of my wife make me feels so freaking blessed. As I was telling one of my good buddies yesterday "I married up!" I honestly believe that I married better than I should have and truly feel that God has blessed me greater than I could have even imagined. Now, do I take her for granted...certainly in the past I have. Will I in the future? Likely, but not without a bold declaration by me right now to acknowledge that she creates space in my life for me to grow. What a gift.

Day 7--The lists

So, I've done the dare for today which is to create several lists, one with the positive qualities I see in my wife and one with the negatives. It was much easier for me to make a list stating Kendra's positive qualities. I didn't count, but i know I listed more than 30 qualities. She really does possess lots and lots of great stuff! I thanked her with a card that stated how much I appreciate her selflessness and dedication to her family. She is the rock and glue that holds our clan together. My negative list did include a few enteries, but as I focused on what I really believed was negative about her, I could easily see that they are also strengths. I just don't like them when they get in the way of the selfish Chad. While I'm not blind to her weaknesses, I will acknowledge that they tend to be around her emotions, which really are a strength. What I learned about myself today is I want to have a number 10 relationship with my wife and I'm committed to seeing her successful in her business and our love for each other grow. We were able to host some friends tonight and share our vision of a world free from disease. My wife was awesome and inspiring...

Day 6

Well, today's dare focused on my ability to respond to tough circumstances in my marriage in loving ways instead of irritation. I didn't get to see too much of Kendra today, but we did talk on the phone several times and really are going the same direction as far as business is concerned. I did have the temptation to say something about dinner (I didn't really enjoy it) but I told her I was thankful for her preparing a meal. The tough situation we have really involves our children not wanting to eat dinner. It is stressful and creates a bit of division between Kendra and I. I really want my children to eat dinner at dinner time and she wants our middle child to have enough food to eat. I withheld my desire to get upset and went with the flow of the night. In the end I was able to make my desire known but also show Kendra love and allow her to comfort Braeden. It worked like a charm. The other portion of the dare was to look at my schedule and see if I can increase my timing to create more "margin" or time for intimacy and relaxation. I have recently taken on some very serious goals and have increased my scheduled time 10 fold. I was able to create some times where I could focus on others and still meet the needs of my family. Not always easy for me. I also came to the realization that I need to release several wrong motivations from my life like stress, bitterness, envy, strife, and trying to control my family and others.
All in all a very good day compared to my previous recent attempts. I do deeply love my wife and am committed to meeting her needs in and through my marriage.

Day 5, the missing day

So, the wheels of my bus fell off on Friday night. Day 5 was supposed to be spent with me asking Kendra about 3 things I do that irritate her. Let's just say that I was irritating all day on Saturday. For many reasons I didn't choose to accept my greatness and was generally cranky for most of the day. I was able to pull out some love in the afternoon, but that was lost again by the evening. I spent a majority of the day sticking my foot in my mouth and trying to avoid Kendra. My attitude was so poor that I believed I was doing her a favor by not being around. We were able to get clear in the evening, but a miscommunication cost of greatly as we were getting ready for bed. What I'm learning about myself is that I'm great at doing and not so great at being. I can go through the steps of doing the love dare but struggle to show genuine love to Kendra. So, I was frustrated today that she wasn't feeling the love from me. While I've had 4 days of love daring, it wasn't getting me the results I expected. For some reason I believed that she would be thrilled that I was "doing" the dare. Yet her feedback is that I'm a million miles away and acting like a man on an island. I can't deny that I'm feeling the stress of making some big goals and stepping into some new attributes. Most of all my new schedule is really causing some issues with my body. I'm able to push through most days, but I get very cranky around 8pm. Not good when I'm trying to be with the kids and then spend time with her.
As for the Love dare, I'm committed to following through with this tomorrow. I'm recommitting to bringing my heart into the dare and spending quality time reading the book and applying my whole being to the purpose of the dare...to love my wife.

Day 4--The Call

So the dare today was to call Kendra and just ask her how I could support her. No other motives, just a nice call to let her talk and get clear. I called from work which was challenging for me. I don't like to take personal calls since others around me can hear me talking. I felt at times as if I was whispering...not really giving my all. The great part was that Kendra was very grateful I called and was thankful that I was interested in talking with her. She was able to plan the evening and we were able to get on the same page about our evening.
Unfortunately the wheels came off the bus around 6:30pm. We were scheduled to go on a date and I'm exhausted. I became very verbally short with Kendra, we've scrapped the date and I'm owning the fact that going through the motions of this love dare isn't meeting my wifes need to have quality time together. I've committed to getting up early this week which has led to me going to bed early. She just shared with me that she doesn't feel like I want to be with her and I'm not around. Sad proceedings. I'm off to talk and get clear. Lord help us.

Day 3

Alright, the dare today was to remain positive in my statements toward Kendra and to buy something that reminded me of her or showed her that I was thinking about her. I pondered this all day at work and even shared with her that I was going to purchase something for her. She gave me a hint about what she would like. In the end we went as a family to Costco and did some shopping. Normally I would like to purchase her something exotic or rare (ok, not really), but today I was compelled to get her some all natural nuts....the gift that really says love. While this may not seem like a very loving gift to some, when I presented her with the nuts and explained why I wanted her to have them she simple said "the meaning behind the nuts is what matters." The reading for today focused on not being selfish, and I can attest that it helps to think less about myself when I am focused on serving her and finding a tangible way to express it. It's a great reminder that I can take anything in my life and make it special if I present it in such a way that the receiver of the gift understands why it is special to me.
Plus on our date night we can take a snack to share together...nuts!

Day 2 Revised

Alright, enough with my previous post. Here's the real scoop. I didn't choose to complete an act of kindness for my wife, but I did get up in the morning and pray with her for 40 minutes. That was very powerful and I felt throughout the day that I was inspired to "accept my greatness" as a spiritual leader. It was easy to recall the things we prayed about and I certainly felt my beingness shining through as we spent the time together. I was able to remain positive with her and since I'm in a very positive space, it's been good for us. I can truly say she is an amazing woman. The years that she has been multitasking with her children, me, and the things she is passionate about...she inspires me. I love her very much and I am greatly blessed by her presence in my life. That's my experience from yesterday. I could feel her presence with me as I went about my daily business and looked forward to coming home and being with her. We had a couple over for dinner and it was easy to be authentic with them and share our passion for health. What a change from previous meals that didn't go so well. Thankyou Lord for belssing me.

Day 2

Day 2: I gave my wife a full body massage. One of her favorite activities. It was night and not as long as I intended to give, but she was very thankful. I found myself struggling today to remain positive and to keep my words uplifting. In the end I was able to not say negative things to her and still deal with some tough topics around home. What I found out about love today is that I was eager to perform my act of service for her. I was actually excited to have the time to focus on giving to her. Since I had the activity planned out, I made sure I had a scheduled time for it to occur. This greatly helped the atmosphere of the night and gave her something to love forward to. I did appreciate from the reading the passage about speaking truth in love. This is something that Kendra often preaches, but I don’t do a great job with. Now I can give a frame of reference when I need to speak in love….find a way to give to her!

Day 1 Recap

Day 1: I came close today to getting upset as Kendra was very slow to get out the car and I thought we were going to be late. Instead of goading her on, I simple chose to go the car and wait for her. This turned out much better as she was able to thank me that night before bed for being positive with her. I was much more aware of my thought process today and was very aware of my wanting to say negative comments. Overall I did a very good job keeping my words edifying and uplifting and was to complete this dare with success. She did say good job for being positive and was not in a good mood all day. Stress of life is getting to her. I'm so glad that I could be her light during this day.

Day 1--The Love Dare Begins

Alright, I'm committed to this goal and making my wife and I a priority like never before. I've already talked with her about meeting Wed. and Fri. mornings to spend at least 30 minutes together in prayer and she was so very excited. She can already tell the difference in my being and I've only been home 1 day. I can truly say I'm in awe of her presence and look forward to serving her in a more intimate way over the next 40 days. I'll report back at the end of the day with my first experiencal entry.